Q: My ex shows up for everything that involves our daughter, even when it happens during my parenting time. Soccer practices, school events, sometimes even routine appointments. When I say something, she tells me, “I'm her mother. I have every right to be there.” I want us both involved, but sometimes I'd like to just be Dad without my ex always being there. Am I being unreasonable? What’s good ex-etiquette?

A: There is a difference between being an involved parent and being involved in everything.

This is where the 10 Rules of Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents come in handy. Rule No. 9, "Respect each other's turf," doesn't mean Mom disappears during Dad's parenting time or Dad disappears during Mom's. Your child has two parents all the time. But it does mean you no longer live together, and you recognize that each parent needs room to develop an independent relationship with their child.

Soccer games, school performances, graduations and other events where parents are invited? Go. Cheer. Your child deserves to look into the stands and see both parents supporting her. You don't have to arrive together or pretend you're best friends. Just be gracious.

After-school soccer practice on Tuesday may be another story.

Before showing up, ask yourself a simple question: Am I going because my child needs me there, or because I don't want to miss anything? Is it because I am supporting our child or is it because I am afraid she may forget about me when she is with her other parent?

I promise she won’t forget.

I have worked with parents who believe good co-parenting means doing virtually everything together. It doesn't. Sometimes that works beautifully. Other times the child ends up with two parents circling every activity because neither one wants the other to have an experience without them. Ultimately, the child picks up on that energy and it puts them right in the middle.

So, give the kid some air.

More importantly, give each other some air.

If Dad normally handles the dentist during his parenting time, let Dad handle the dentist. If Mom takes your daughter to dance practice on Wednesdays, Dad doesn't need to drop by every Wednesday just because technically he can. Recitals, there’s no question both parents should attend. But practices? You can see the distinction.

Of course, there will be exceptions. If your child is frightened about a medical procedure and wants both parents there, that's different. If it's an important practice right before the championship game, that's different. Good co-parenting is making that distinction together. Agree when it’s your child’s time with just one of you — and your child’s time with both of you and then support that agreement.

Good ex-etiquette isn't about keeping score over who gets to attend what. Be involved. Be enthusiastic. Show up when it matters. But sometimes, “respecting each other's turf” means knowing when to stay home. That's good ex-etiquette.

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