Q. I have had a drug problem for the last four years. I was arrested and have been out of the picture for years. I am now clean and sober and have begun to slowly re-enter my 5-year-old daughter’s life. Prior to that, my daughter’s father had sole custody. He has been living with his girlfriend for years and two years ago married her. My daughter loves her, and I am so jealous. It makes me act irrationally and I say things I know I shouldn’t. This woman thinks she is my daughter’s mother and has completely taken over. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. As much as I empathize with your situation, I’m not surprised your daughter identifies with her bonus mom. Your daughter is 5 and from what you have explained, she has lived most of her life with her dad and his now-wife. That is who makes her feel safe. And although you have good intentions, being away from a child for a length of time for whatever reason will not bring them closer.

Fighting with your child’s father and his wife will not get you to where you want to be, either. As much as you feel wronged, being an ally rather than an enemy is what will bring you closer to your daughter. Rather than fight them, enlist their help. Work together in the name of this little girl everyone loves.

As they begin to trust you and can depend on the fact that you are putting the child first, they will be more likely to work with you. As it is now, from what you tell me, you feel overlooked since you are your child’s biological mother—but she barely knows you. Biology, in itself, will not help your child feel safe and secure. Time will do that—with proof that you can be trusted.

I certainly do not want to diminish the importance of your sobriety. I have watched both clients and family members struggle with addiction and the fact that you are clean and sober is to be commended—but, and this is a big but, your child at 5 does not understand addiction.

All she knows is that you have not been in her life, and suddenly, here you are. Daddy and her bonus mom have been her protectors and now someone else who has not been there is telling her that she loves her and says bad things about the people she trusts.

Your jealousy and badmouthing will push your daughter away. If it doesn’t stop, she will eventually stop wanting to see you. If you want to bring the child closer, be kind to the people she loves.

I’m not just saying this to you. I’m saying this to dad and bonus mom, as well. Rather than depend on a court order to guide you in reuniting mom and daughter, sit down with a professional and allow them to help you set individual goals that can be easily reached to build trust. Things like displaying calm interaction at exchanges or day visits with timely drop off and pick up times.

One foot in front of the other—for your child. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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