ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Occasionally, when I arrive at a grocery store and walk to the entrance, someone who has finished loading their car will ask me if I want their now-empty shopping cart.

If I only plan to buy a few things and don't need the cart, would it be rude for me to say "No, but thank you" and continue on? I usually feel pressured to tell them "No, but I will be happy to put it back for you anyway." I've seen other people doing this.

One of my in-laws argues that parking lots often have multiple cart return areas, so a person who "offers" their cart is being rude. They don't want to return it themselves and are trying to make someone else feel obligated. What does Miss Manners think?

GENTLE READER: That your in-law must lead a very unhappy life to suspect even such an ordinary courteous gesture of being insulting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two sisters, one of whom is married to a great man who makes her very happy. Her husband has seamlessly integrated into our family, and we love having him at our family events.

The one event that my younger sister and I have some reservations about is the Mother's Day brunch for our mom and grandmother. We really put a lot of thought and effort into it, with each year having a different theme. We spend a lot of time decorating, putting together gift bags, and hand-making souvenir items such as menus and place cards.

This is a big deal to all of us, and a joy to do for our mom and grandmother. Last year, before they were even engaged, our sister brought along her now-husband to help with the brunch. She did not ask us if we would be OK including him, so we felt a bit ambushed. We would never have dreamed of asking him to go home at that point, so he stayed and helped, and it was fine. But it felt like something had been taken away from something so special to us.

We are now planning this year's brunch, and before we get too far along, we want to try to bring up our reservations. Our older sister does not respond well to being called out on anything. She takes things very personally, to the point of getting withdrawn and passively hostile.

Would it be rude to ask our sister to let the gift of the brunch, including the planning and preparation, remain between the three sisters only?

Our brother-in-law is, of course, invited to the brunch, along with our dad; he would just not be included in the gift of putting on the event. We do not want to offend anyone, and ultimately the event is not about us. So as long as our mom and grandmother are happy, we are happy.

GENTLE READER: Well, you could say sweetly, "It's a girls' thing," and hope that your sister responds better than she usually does. Or you could plead that you would then have to include everyone else's partners, who might not be as useful.

But why? Miss Manners would have thought it delightful to have a cherished new relative who wants to be of help.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN