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Dear Annie: I've been married nearly 40 years. My wife's father has passed, and her 81-year-old mother still lives on the family farm. My wife is on a loan her mother took out to buy part of that farm, and she handles everything for my mother-in-law. One of her brothers lives in the farmhouse and is a slob. He won't take off work to take their mother to appointments, so my wife does that, too.

Now she wants to build a house on the farm next to her brother. In October 2024, she survived a "widowmaker" heart attack and had a stent placed. Her brother had a valve replaced in his heart in 2018 but is healthy now. I'm almost 62, disabled due to heart issues and a stroke, and I have COPD. If we move to the farm, I worry I'll be responsible for maintaining three acres of land (mowing, burning the fields, etc.) and cleaning up after her brother. I'd also have no legal right to stay if she dies first, and we would have to sell our current home, which is in both our names.

I don't want her family's property or money. I admit I wasn't a good husband for the first 29 years of our marriage, but I've changed for the better. Still, it feels like I can't do enough. Every day, I think more and more about divorce, and letting her have everything except my dog and clothes. I have no desire to date or marry again; I just want peace and quiet in the years I have left. Our children are grown, almost 36 and 39, and we have no grandchildren.

I have zero clue what to do, and I'm tired of trying any more. -- Plowing Toward Divorce

Dear Plowing Toward Divorce: You don't sound like a man who truly wants a divorce. You sound like someone who wants security and peace of mind before uprooting his life for a move that leaves him vulnerable in more ways than one.

Your wife isn't wrong for wanting to be closer to her aging mother. But any plan that reshapes your life together must take both partners into equal consideration.

Before you talk about divorce, talk about logistics. Meet with an attorney together and understand exactly what your rights would be. Discuss maintenance, finances, your health situations and what happens if one of you dies first. You might be surprised how clarity can quiet a lot of your fears.

Dear Annie: I'm in my 80s and the patriarch of the family. I have many relatives within a 40-mile radius. Over Thanksgiving, I didn't receive one invite or inquiry from anyone. I'm a widower and live alone. This is an ongoing problem. I could be a skeleton before any family member found me.

I've been very generous to my family, although I've stopped being "the bank" because my family owes me over $10,000. I've stopped asking for it. I've given away cars as well as money. I recently bought presents for all my great-great-relatives and never received a thank you.

Is there something wrong with me, or is this now the norm? -- Generous and Gutted

Dear Generous and Gutted: There's nothing wrong with you. What you're describing is neglect, plain and simple, and it hurts.

You've given generously, but generosity doesn't obligate others to show up. Sometimes people grow so used to receiving that they forget how to give.

Try widening your circle. A senior center, church group or volunteer work can offer real companionship. Family matters, but it isn't the only place belonging is found. You deserve to be valued for your presence, not your presents.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.