ArcaMax

-- I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

-- A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

-- I went to a ...Read more

An old adage in writing says we should show, not tell. Details help reveal the fabric of a person, lending specific flavor to a story. For instance, it's tough to visualize "impulsive." It's easier to conceive of your idiot ex-boyfriend Tom taking a selfie at the narrowest bluff of Angel's Landing in Zion before slipping enough to scare him ...Read more

One of the things I was really excited about when we moved to the suburbs was having a shed. I imagined something pretty with flower-filled window boxes, organized shelves of potting tools, and rakes and brooms hung neatly in size order. However, since I failed to bring Martha Stewart along with us to help create this garden tool utopia, the ...Read more

Discourse suggests that artificial intelligence is stealing both our souls and our writerly tics. Sleuths have begun to posit that the humble em dash -- the elongated hyphens surrounding this clause -- is a tell that a piece of prose has been written by AI.

This likely carries some truth because, well, AI steals from writers in order to write...Read more

As a card-carrying super-cleaning crusader, I have to admit, what really gets my mop in a bunch are dust bunnies. Not only are they hard to catch, but like laundry, dishes and husbands, the minute you get rid of one, another appears. They roll casually along the floor like dirty indoor tumbleweeds until they gather in a fuzzy nest under the ...Read more

One year ago, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signed into law a path toward restitution for boys who endured unspeakable torture. For decades, these boys were beaten and raped, spirits and bodies broken at the state's notorious reform schools. Others were murdered on taxpayer dimes, their remains buried beneath shrouds of soil and reduced to ghastly...Read more

"What did Joel get you for your anniversary?" asked my mom.

"Nothing yet," I replied. "But it's a big one, so it should be something good."

"Any time a married couple doesn't kill each other for another year, it's a big one," she said.

I laughed. My parents had been married for 60 years, so my mother was practically an expert at avoiding ...Read more

Wow, thanks for ordering me. You're going to love... wait.

No, no, no, hold on, please don't peel me off and throw me in the bottom of the Wendy's sack with the bag fries. I promise, I am delicious. I am juicy and sweet, the perfect acidic complement to cut through your sizzled ground beef and melty American cheese. We'll make a beautiful ...Read more

"WAIT!" I yelled as everyone started to dive into their entrees. "Don't eat yet!"

We were at the kind of fancy restaurant where the food isn't just served, it's strategically arranged on the plate and balanced precariously in a tower like a game of Jenga.

My husband stopped with his fork in mid-air and stared.

"Why?" he asked. "Is there ...Read more

Last week, I got a text:

Are you free tomorrow? Come to my house for dinner, and I will make your favorite seafood pasta.

I noticed this text languishing among 24 other unread texts (literally) and thought, who could this be? Who is inviting me over for dinner? And should I go? Maybe it will be fun! I DO like seafood pasta. In fact, I ...Read more

When my hairstylist announced that she was expecting a baby and would be taking a three-month maternity leave, my reaction was like the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief.

First there was denial.

"Are you sure? How many times did you pee on a stick?"

Then there was anger.

"Nooooo! You can't leave me!!!"

Then bargaining.

"Tell you what, ...Read more

Hi, woman here.

Sorry to step out of line, but the men need help. It has been brought to the attention of the Federation of Acting Female Operatives (FAFO) that a quarrel is underway between two of the most powerful men in the nation.

President Donald Trump and his special friend Elon Musk are navigating a conscious uncoupling, spreading ...Read more

My husband and I both got sick at the same time, with the same cold and all the same symptoms. The difference was, I made dinner, went grocery shopping and did the laundry, while he lay on his deathbed hovering between a congested coma and near-certain demise by sniffles. While this vast pendulum swing between my cold and his might confound ...Read more

My family came to visit me in Florida recently. Their sole request was to patronize a Tijuana Flats since they don't have one at home in Ohio. No problem! I can put down some tacos and am an enthusiastic T-Flats connoisseur. In fact, the chain is home to my favorite sugary-garlicky-spicy sauce, an all-purpose accoutrement I keep in my fridge. ...Read more

"Can you tell me what comes with the garlic chicken?" my husband asked our server.

"I can tell you," I said. "Bad breath."

My husband rolled his eyes at me. We were out to dinner at our usual place and decided the chef must have come into a surplus of garlic, because everything on the specials menu featured garlic. Good for garlic lovers. ...Read more