ArcaMax

"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"That's women's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing," REALLY ...Read more

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They ...Read more

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I ...Read more

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he ...Read more

On a rainy Monday, I slid into a seat at Cracker Barrel. The chain's new, doomed logo dotted flatware sleeves, the only sign of its widely mocked brand overhaul.

For the astonishingly low price of $10, I got a hefty bowl of chicken and dumplings with green beans and a basket of hot biscuits. In this economy? I hoovered it among the kitschy ...Read more

... continued from above

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest ...Read more

Jane calls the doctor in a panic. "Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?"

The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen?"

The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death!"

The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little Jimmy crying?"

Jane says "No."

"Is he sleeping?" asks ...Read more

Original Lyrics

Put your left foot in,
Your left foot out,
Your left foot in,
And shake it all about.
You do the hokey pokey
And turn yourself around
That's what it's all about.

Shakespearean Style

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once ...Read more

A young fellow by the name of Sammy liked to hang out at Mom and Pop's Grocery Store. Pop didn't know what Sammy's problem was, but the other boys would tease him all the time, calling him Slow Sammy, and punching him on the shoulder as they passed.

To mock him for being slow, they would offer him a dime and a nickel, telling him he could have ...Read more

Reasons You Should Buy a New Car:

Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.

15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.

When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can...Read more

Q: What do cows do for entertainment?
A: Go to moo-vies.

Q: Which job is a cow most suited for?
A: Baker. Because they're making cow pies regularly.

Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk.

Q: What band is a cow favorite?
A: Moo-dy Blues

- Anywhere you hang your @ is home.

- The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

- Great groups from little icons grow.

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

- C:\ is the root of all directories.

- Don't put all your hypes ...Read more